Dating Etiquette: Serial Dating or Serial Killer? The Dark Side of Modern RomanceDating Etiquette

I know dating has changed so much- not just in the last couple of years, but since dating first began. And I see the younger generation is often debating who should pay. Some say it should be 50/50. Some say whoever asked the other person out- especially for Valentine’s Day- should foot the bill. But I’m a bit of a traditionalist. I think if you are a gentleman, you should pay for the meal, and if you are a lady, you shouldn’t order the most expensive items on the menu either.

This is something I find not only shameful but downright unforgivable. Honestly, I will write someone off as a friend if I see them doing it. You know those times when you say to a friend, “Let’s go out for lunch, let’s go out for supper,” and you’re aware they have a modest budget. But then- suddenly- they’re ordering the most expensive items on the menu like they’ve never seen food before, purely because they know someone else is paying?

Now, I would always want someone to order something they enjoy, but within reason. Personally, if I go out and someone else is paying, I don’t automatically gravitate toward the most expensive item. I tend to go for something more modestly priced. And sometimes, when I watch people, I can’t help but think: Are you actually going out with this person because you like them, or are you just in it for the free food? I’m sure there’s a word for that, but I can’t think of it.

Nonetheless, I do think we could brush up on our etiquette. The way people treat waiters is often a good indication of how they might treat you somewhere down the line. I also think that, when it comes to dating, the man should pay- at least in the beginning. But if a woman is serious about the relationship, she might consider reciprocating by the fourth or fifth date. Not necessarily sooner, but just to show she can pay her own way and is willing to share experiences.

I do recall reading an article where a woman said (and I believe a lot of women think this way) that she wouldn’t date a man who couldn’t afford to pay for her meal. Why? Because it’s a sign he wouldn’t be able to provide. If a woman were to fall pregnant- whether or not she got married- she might be unable to work during maternity leave. She needs to know her husband or life partner (you’ve got to be so careful with what you call people these days!) can go out, work, and support both of them. So, I do see both sides of the debate.

That said, I think there’s something quite liberating about a woman reciprocating a meal- just to prove she’s not just sitting there like a seal, waiting for someone to fling fish at her. (I should not make noises like that on the radio.)

Now, let’s talk about coffee dates- a genius idea, really. A coffee date keeps expenses low. Coffee is, what, 30 rand a cup? Maybe you throw in a slice of cake, which adds an extra 50 to 100 rand. Not cheap when you think about it- two cups of coffee and two slices of cake could still run you about 300 rand with a tip- but it’s far better than splurging on starters, mains, dessert, cocktails, champagne, wine, and whatever else might come after dinner.

The whole purpose of a coffee date is simple: if you don’t like the person, you can move on quickly with minimal financial outlay. If the coffee date is going well, you can extend it into a proper meal. If it’s not going well, you can down your coffee- down it, down it, down the hatch in five minutes- say, “Well, it was nice meeting you,” or, better yet, “Well, it was meeting you, wasn’t it?” and then get on with the rest of your life.

But here’s something that concerns me: a lot of my friends are on dating apps. Or, rather, I should use air quotes- “dating” apps. Because I don’t believe they’re for dating. I think they serve… other rudimentary purposes.

It shocks me how many of my friends will drive to a complete stranger’s house. A girlfriend of mine told me she was on one of these apps and drove to the guy’s house. I said, “You drove to a man’s house? You’ve never met him, you don’t know who he is, you don’t even know if those are his real photos on the app!”

And she said, “But he lives in a nice area.”

I said, “Every criminal lives in a nice area- because they can afford it!”

I don’t know if anyone has seen that Jeffrey Dahmer miniseries, but apparently, people can do terrible things to you, even in the close confines of a townhouse, a complex, or a flat. They can drag you. They can render you unconscious. They can do all sorts of horrific things.

One thing that fascinated me about Jeffrey Dahmer was that surely, surely, people heard noises. Surely, someone noticed the smell. The entire complex smelt like decaying flesh, and yet… no one really took it as a red flag.

Now, I realize this is a horrible topic to bring up on Valentine’s Day, but maybe this is a public service announcement. If you’re driving to meet someone you’ve never met before, just remember: you have no idea what’s in your drink. And, at the very least, always make sure someone knows where you are.