Dr. John Demartini joins Edward Chamberlain-Bell, Heather Hook & Barbara Gillman in the JoziStyle studios at Radio Today Johannesburg.
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Transcription by Heather Hook.
JoziStyle: Relationship Conflict affects not only relationships between a couple, or romantic partners, but also between siblings, parents and children, and just about anyone who has dealings with other people in their lives, which is pretty much all of us. Why do we often battle, or run in difficulties with those that are nearest and dearest to us?
Dr. John Demartini: Every human being lives by a set of priorities and values. Highest value is what they are dedicated to and it inspires them. If you perceive someone as assisting you to fulfil your highest values you are warm and open, but if you perceive that they are challenging you, you tend to close down.
We have primitive emotions inside us as humans, we have a fear of and withdraw from predators and we look/search for prey. We have the same biological response to people. Conflict emerges when we perceive our highest values are being challenged, we will run away or fight them back. Conflict is a wakeup call as to what we are fighting.
How can we figure out what makes other people ‘tick’, so that we can get the best out of them? Without sounding manipulative but that’s how it works right? if you speak to someone in a language they understand, you get the best results?
In some cases if you only have a moment, watch their responses to dialogue, or if you have time ask questions. Caring and selling are basically the same thing. If you care about what’s important and take time to look at what they surround themselves with, how do they spend their time, what energises them, what do they spend their money on, what do they talk about, where are they ordered or inspired about.
Ask questions and see what they reveal. People will always demonstrate what is important to them, what gives them greatest advantage over disadvantage. The result is getting an open heart from someone.
How do you ask leading questions to get the answers you need?
Often what I do is say that in my experience it is best if we are planning on getting to know each other, I would like to ask you a series of questions that helps me to understand people better, would that be okay. What do you have in your house? For example art, children’s toys and paintings or animals etc.
It is respectful to ask people about themselves. People love to talk about themselves. Sales people usually download and don’t ask questions, and this is why they sometimes battle. You have to ask first to understand the need, then you can sell your product/yourself.
When hiring someone, say to them, if you working here and you aren’t fulfilled and we aren’t both fulfilled, there is no point, is there. I don’t want you to take a job just for the sake of taking a job and be unhappy, so let’s see if our values match.
It’s a long-term relationship. Same thing also with a romantic relationship. You cannot project your values on to others. Often a feeling of betrayal happens when people don’t live according to your values, but rather according to their values. Ask what they are dedicated to, and work out – how does it help and serve you?
How do you work on not over reacting to someone’s response, and not letting it affect your whole day. Say for example I have a flight with my boyfriend and it puts me in a terrible mood. I then take this mood out on my colleagues, my staff etc. How can I work on not reacting so much to something which is likely something really small, and can be resolved if I speak to him in the right language?
The thing that prolongs internal anger and conflict is the need to be right. It’s about communicating. Being “right” makes you puffed up and self righteous. Everything in the universe strives for equilibrium. If you do the whole “My way is the right way” thing – you will automatically be humbled. If you stay “right” and imbalanced you will always be in turmoil and its carries on the whole day.
Ask yourself – What specifically is it that my boyfriend has done that upsets me so much? Where and when have I done that? Have I ever done this to someone? Do you think they felt the same way?
Until you identify where the reflection is you will be out of balance.
We all have every trait and there are 4647 traits in the Oxford Dictionary – we have all the traits. If something is pushing our buttons, we are judging ourselves. How does it benefit me that they did it? You think your life would be happier if they did something – but you are challenging their values. What am I doing that is initiating this? Thank them for doing what they are supposed to do, and give you some time to reflect.
You have empowered and taught so many people, but what has been your biggest learning curve?
I had to learn how to read at 18, as I was dyslexic. I had problems at school, and had to get a dictionary and memorise words and my mum tested me on 30 new words every day.
What is it about SA keeps bringing you back?
I first came to South Africa in 2004. I was invited by Dr Bruce Hofmann, who used the Demartini Method in his practise, and asked me to please come to his medical school in Cape Town and teach the method, which I did, and we also held my signature 2 day programme The Breakthrough Experience at the Waterfront with about 30 people.
Clarissa Judd was there, and she enjoyed the programme so much that she flew to Australia to do another programme. Clarissa asked me,” If I help you organise programmes in SA, would you come back?” and I of course said yes. So Clarissa assisted me, and now for 10 years has been bringing me out to South Africa, and she is now the Director of The Demartini Institute here in Johannesburg, amazing woman.
Dr Demartini, you have written so many books and developed so many products. Which book was your very favourite to write?
At the time of writing, each one is inspirational and engaging, but I have to say The Values Factor book, which is my most recent is very inspiring, and has very practical applications which everyone can benefit from. The applications for health and business, family and social etc are very useful.
Tell us a bit about how you manage to travel so much. Don’t you miss home?
When I was 18 I read a quote in a book – I am a genius and I apply my wisdom. I asked my mum, what is a genius? She told me that people like Einstein and da Vinci were genius’s so I went to the library and got books by them, and read through them slowly with my dictionary to help me.
Einstein wrote “I am not a man of my immediate family, community or city, my state or even my nation, I am a citizen of the world.”
Socrates mentioned that he was a citizen of the universe. I put these in to my own goal journal, along with this Affirmation: The Universe is my playground, the world is home, every country is a room in the house and every city is another platform to share my heart and soul”
Now I actually live on a ship called The World that actually travels around the world, so basically I just live in a big frigging house. BFH. * Laughs.
So I just Skype my family instead of shouting through the door at them *Laughs again.
The overview effect of astronauts is that the further out you go, the more you appreciate home, and that is how I feel.
Please visit www.drdemartini.com for more information on Dr Demartini’s work, teachings and upcoming events in South Africa.